These are the things that I long to hear when I hit those moments of feeling so desperately alone. Those times when there is simply no one, no one to talk to about your day. NO one that can appreciate in the way you can your magical moments with your children…the small and meaningful strides that you are making in your parenting with such deep love. No one who can appreciate your undying commitment to those going through divorce. Most people don’t want to talk about it.
No one who understands how long you have been holding up for everyone. The silent commitments you have made to care for those under the radar. No one who remembers the deep quiet of this apartment when the father of my children wouldn’t allow me to have 50% custody and the only work I had was to struggle to figure out what to do legally and find some kind of job. No one who knows how long those quiet days and nights for years were. There was no adult around. No one to talk to, no one to eat with, no one to fight with. No one.
But I had support emotional and financial from my parents and from the love of my life who lives in Denver. But it dawned on me as of late, that I have never been anything but single since the day the divorce was final. Before that moment, I had been still married. After that day…I was divorced and consequently a single Mom. I never felt like a single Mom until I realized after talking to Emma Johnson of Wealthy Single Mommy on my radio show that I, indeed, am a single Mommy. I pondered it again in reading Rosana Condoleo’s article on “Divorce Was Yesterday Now I am Re-Single”. I realized that I have no category checked in FB. I am in no-person’s land. Please, I know…I don’t have it as hard as many single Moms. I recognize my situation has been very different, but those feelings of the desperate aloneness are no different. These are deep and pervasive human feelings and I have my moments of dropping deep down with them right along with you.
I am saddened by the term “single” when I try it on. It makes me feel very alone. Alone which of course, I can see is a construct of my own creation. When I get to this place, I try very hard to close my eyes and envision a very big circle of women holding hands…holding me in their arms at the center. All snuggled in holding my sadness and pain with a tenderness and deep caring that infuses my soul to its core. And in that moment, I start to not feel alone.
I am torn in even writing this as I feel the intense duty to hold everyone up letting them know it’s going to be ok. Then I realize that the honesty of my expressing my own process is what will hold all of us. In the age of new types of relationships, I will work to create in my love relationship: beauty, reverence, presence, health, abundance, peace, kindness and all of that rooted in LOVE. It will be playful and spontaneous and FUN! There will be togetherness and separateness but always a thread of shared connection.
Life is too short my friends for us to rest in unnecessary sadness and distress. The feeling of being alone seems but a waste of time and energy. So I wipe my tears. Center into love. Feel my beauty and perfection and radiate out from there the intended LOVE that choose to manifest.